(Non) Cat-Launching Kids and Cyber Weirdos

A guy who’s worried his girlfiend’s son is too much of a wuss, and some tips on thwarting cyber-weirdos.

Q: I have a girlfriend with a young son. I find the sprite interesting to play with but he doesn't really go for the things I did as a kid. I built forts, played endless games of stickball, made tennis ball cannons, stayed out of the house. I didn't need much to create entertainment. A hammer, rope, saw, a couple shotgun shells and a tree could easily turn into a long range crossbow with explosive bolts. Ahh, good times.

But this little guy won't hit a ball I pitch to him, sleeps with his mommy, grabs her boob in polite company and whacks the cats with the whiffle bat. Dammit! She also treats him like a sissy, buys him bracelets and other jewelry, lets him whine and complain and caters to it. (Also, she has a pet habit.) I do love this woman, and the cat whacking I'm not totally against, but I'd rather he built a cat launcher out back. Cock-blocked by a six year old. What do I do? – Stand-In Dad

A: Ok, we get it. You were like Daniel Boone growing up, and now you’re in a testosterone tizzy trying to toughen up your gal’s offspring.

But first things first: Go watch Cyrus. I don’t think it’s in theaters anymore but download it on Comcrap or whatever. It’s a hilarious-yet-horrifying look at the disaster that ensues when a new boyfriend (John C. Reilly) meets a hot mom (Marisa Tomei) whose life centers on coddling her adult son (Jonah Hill). I’m betting the movie will make you either 1) run for the hills 2) appreciate that maybe you don’t have it so bad.

But, what, truly, is the issue here? Are you really getting cock-blocked by this kid, or are you just wound up that your girlfriend isn’t raising Rambo? (I mean, maybe it’s not a bad thing she buys bracelets instead of bazookas for her son.) Without trying to Dr. Phil-osophize too much, I’m guessing her pampering stems from some major single-mom guilt. And, unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do to change that – or the behavior that results.

What you can change, however, is your approach to interacting with the kid. Obviously, he’s not the next Bear Grylls. But maybe with all that whining and complaining he’s destined for a career as an emo musician, so sign him up for guitar lessons and help him with his chords. Or just find some common ground; you even admit he’s “interesting to play with.” Hell, grab a whiffle bat yourself, and instead of whacking the cats, just gently taunt them.   

Of course, if you love this woman but just can’t stomach how she’s raising her kid (or her “pet habit” – we won’t even get into that), then just end it already and spare everybody more pain down the road.

And if you’re still jonesing for a partner in cat-launching crime, why not give Mel Gibson a call? He hates the furry felines as much as you do, and with his career in the toilet, he’s probably looking for creative new ways to release his rage.

Q: How do you recognise if a guy is just persistent or a stalker? A guy I didn’t know contacted me via LinkedIn, then e-mailed me so I responded. Then he set about e-mailing me constantly one morning asking to go out for coffee and asking where exactly I lived. I finally had to be firm and indicate I’d just met him so he was pushing it. There was an ominous silence … so perhaps I’ve answered my own question! Anyway, perhaps you can address the whole cyber stalking thing and forewarn people about this type of behaviour. I'm a little freaked out. – Cyberstalked?

A: No problem. People: Please take cyberstalkering seriously. Of the 3.4 million people impacted by stalking annually, about 25 percent report technology — including spyware, e-mail or IM — was involved, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. So good on you for shutting this potential psycho down, and make sure you do a better job of vetting friends and contacts on social media next time (especially on Facebook, which is in some legal quandaries right now with privacy issues).

 Here, a few tips from the National Cyber Security Alliance: 

• Scan computers for malicious software and make sure all your security software is up to date and firewalls are turned on.
• Avoid sharing personal information online, using computers at libraries or other locations away from home and work.
• Only use home wireless networks that are secure with complex passwords.
• Maintain the most stringent privacy controls on social networking sites.
• Don’t post photos of your home that might indicate its location, like a pic showing a house number or an identifying landmark.
• Be careful connecting cell phones to social networking accounts, and if you do, use extreme caution in providing live updates on your location or activities.

I’d say to go to the NCSA website for more info, but as of pub time (geez, they’re gonna hate me for this) the site appeared to, um, have been hacked. The message for the rest of us: Sometimes the experts aren’t even immune to this new breed of savvier-than-ever cyber criminals. Please type and text with caution, people.

Workin’ Girl

Why you shouldn’t start licking your lips at brand-new colleagues and a fun use for old DVDs from an ex.

Q: I just got a great new job that I'm super-psyched about. And it comes with a bonus – not one but two hot guys that I'll be working with! One I'll be working a lot with on upcoming projects and the other one works in a different department but I'll be collaborating with him frequently. It's a young office and it seems to have a pretty social vibe, but I'm already wondering whether it's cool if I date either (or both) of these guys. One has already expressed interest in me. He's so yummy! I don't want to sabotage my job but it feels like the Dark Ages since I've been seriously interested in someone (and had them approach me so forwardly). Is this a good idea, dating someone in the office? – Working Girl

It's always best to keep the red teddies out of the office.

A: Don’t start stashing condoms in your cube yet, sister, lest you become known as the wrong kind of working girl.

Some companies are cool with inter-office dating, others aren’t and still others have “don’t ask, don’t tell” and other shades-of-gray policies in place. But unless your new gig is working as a fluffer, this is an issue that the HR department isn’t likely to be talking about in training. It’s not something you should bring up in the break room during your first few weeks on the job, either. You need to stop fantasizing about your co-workers and start focusing on your job. In the process, you’ll be picking up all sorts of clues about office culture; i.e., whether dating co-workers is kosher or not.

But even if it is – and this is not a hall pass to start planning a three-way – you must proceed with caution. Mixing love and work comes with its own set of challenges. What will happen if one of you gets promoted/demoted? What about navigating the fallout from a breakup? And keep in mind that while some places might officially ok interoffice dating, there’s often still an air of scrutiny swirling around it. Bottom line: Is the prospective relationship (or date or hook-up) something for which you’re willing to sacrifice your job, and possibly career?   

Lecture over. Now, off to work with you.

Q: I’m just wondering what the frak you’re supposed to do with pictures of you and the ex. While I’d like to say they don’t mean anything to me and simply shred them, it’s almost two decades of my life so I guess I’ll just shove them in a box until I can deal with them.

I’m slowly going through other things and am getting rid of as much as possible, but even without dealing with picture and notes, it’s SO hard. I’m even having to get rid of certain DVDs as they bring up too many memories. Well, I put a few back on the shelves when I remembered that I enjoy them. But the ones I doubt I would’ve bought without the ex are going.

Breaking up really is a bereavement. In many ways, I think it’s worse than losing a spouse through death because dying isn’t a betrayal or a negation of your life together. Anyway, it’d be good to know your advice and also find out how your readers have dealt with issues like this. -- Star

A: Sorry to hear about your breakup. But, from the coherence of your letter, it sounds like you’re past the can’t-function-can’t-breathe-I’ll-never-love-again stage of the process, which is a promising sign of recovery.

You’ve got the right course of action for the pics: Stash ‘em, don’t trash ‘em. When the wounds* are still fresh, the temptation is strong to destroy all reminders of your relationship to prove to yourself that you’re over it, just like you said. Don’t do it. Put the pics (and other personal stuff like notes) in a box and stash in a hard-to-reach place until enough time has passed that you can look at them as a reminder of how far you’ve come. If you need to, give them to a friend.

Re: the DVDs – just sell or give away those suckers. (Or save a couple of the ex’s most ridiculous faves for a laugh down the road about what bad taste he/she had.) 

The only other things I’ll add are my usual break-up recovery tips: 1) Exercise (even just a walk around the block) gets the endorphins flowing and you off the couch, into shape and away from the tub of ice cream. 2) When your friends start rolling their eyes at the mention of your ex’s name, it’s time to change the subject. Talking about your breakup is one thing; obsessing over it only keeps you from moving forward. 3) Along with yourself, nurturing another living creature – whether it’s your frail Aunt Bess or a hermit crab – has incredible healing power. Readers, you heard Star – what are your break-up salves?

*I did catch your mentions of “betrayal” and “negation of your life together.” If those happen to include cheating or abuse, then there’s nothing wrong with gathering your best friends for a bonfire of pics, notes, DVDs and any other assorted excretions from this schmuck.

Loose Lips Sink Relationships

Dishing relationship details to third parties and summer lovin’ blues.

Q: What do you think about chatting w/friends re: relationship issues that you aren't discussing with your partner? Betrayal or situation normal? And let's say you decide to 'vent' to a person of the opposite sex who isn't a friend of your partner. Is this ok or not? -- Loose-Lipped

A: First of all, absolutely no offense intended to any readers in a same-sex couple, but I’m going to assume you’re a gal and you’re talking about your boyfriend, ummmkay? (Otherwise, trying to account for all the gender scenarios would eat up my word count and confuse the hell out of everyone.)

For gals, staying mum among friends about matters of the heart is about as unnatural as it is for guys to put the toilet seat down. But there’s an important boundary in there somewhere. So before you unknowingly cross it by spilling the guts of your relationship to an audience like a bad slasher flick, remember that this issue is all about a pillar of strong unions: trust.

As in, you should be able to trust your partner to come to you — and vice-versa — about something that could potentially become a problem. As in, your partner should be able to trust you enough — and vice-versa — not to air your relationship’s dirty laundry to anyone with a willing ear, as harmless as you think it might be. I’m not saying you need to put a gag order on yourself when it comes to occasional gossip with girlfriends. But you owe it to your partner to try to work through serious issues with him if you’re worried about them enough to bring them up to third parties. And yes, you can ratchet up the potential for trouble when the ventee is a member of the opposite sex, whether he’s friends with your bf or not.

In other words, occasionally dishing about someone’s piddly little quirks (“A parakeet could do a better job loading the dishwasher”) = situation normal. Going outside of the relationship about a major issue (“This whiskey dick thing is really getting old”) = borderline betrayal.

If all that fails to make sense (disclaimer: As I write this, I’m looking at the ocean from a balcony in the Dominican Republic, and I’m a little distracted by the awesomeness here, not to mention the Presidente beer that’s going down faster than a Jersey Shore cast member), then go with a gut check. When the dishing starts to feel icky, then it’s time to tighten those loose lips.

Q: Just got back from my yearly solo vacation. Met an incredible girl there. Went by myself for some surfing, and usually the most exciting thing that happens on my trips is some killer waves and a few beers with the locals. Never expected to find someone so cool. Met her at the bar where she works, she sent a few beers my way for free when her boss was turned the other way, maybe she was just taking pity on the solo traveler. Was just drunk enough to start chatting her up. Guess we fired up a pretty good spark 'coz we hung out every night, I taught her to surf just a little and boom, it was like we were a couple. No drama, no issues, just major fun and then grave disappointment when we had to say goodbye. Not sure where to go from here. Won't have enough money to get back to her town for a while and she doesn't make enough to come see me either. So tell me: Idiotic to continue, or think we even have a chance? -- Making Waves

A: I wouldn’t say idiotic, though perhaps a bit unrealistic. I hate to add another dose of post-vacay downer to your mood, but let’s be honest, bro. Unless you’re both cool with Skype and e-mail as your crutch until next year’s vacation rolls around for you, then the forecast doesn’t look too sunny.

But, hey, you surfers and beach town bartenders tend to be a pretty laid-back bunch. If you can keep it light without too much pressure on either of you, then why not just keep things open-ended and see where it goes? If it peters out, then no worries, and if it keeps building like a monster swell, well, then you’ll be looking forward to your annual vacation even more. At the very least, you’ll have some great memories.

One final note: You get props for the absence of the word “dude” in your letter. But reading sentences with no subject is almost as annoying. Include them in your e-mails to your barista babe, and I promise you’ll only be helping your chances for an endless summer with her.

The Living Dead

Never-ending grieving and a forever single mentality.

Q: About a month ago, I met a guy at an event. He was cute, funny, and smart, and we're about the same age. He asked for my number. I gave it to him and then we embarked on a passionate, two-week romance -- you know, where you talk until 3 a.m. and find excuses to get together or talk almost every day? But, I noticed that he mentioned his deceased wife all the time. It's like his whole life revolves around her -- friends, work, everything. Well, at the end of our sixth date, he says, "I can't do this. I'm really sorry. You're gorgeous, sexy and brilliant, but I'm not really over her." I agreed to be friends and haven't heard from him in two weeks.

Thing is, his wife died 10 years ago, and I think he's using her as a convenient way to avoid risking himself in a new relationship. Do I just walk away and be glad I didn't get more involved, or do I sit him down and tell him what I think he's doing? I don't want to seem pushy, but on the other hand, there was definitely something good between us and it might be worth it to have that talk. -- Respecting the Dead

A: Sorry to hear about it, and I’m even sorrier for you that this guy can’t seem to see what a good, living thing he seems to have right in front of him.

I’m all for leaving everything on the table before marching onward, head high, with your solo self. But I don’t think a live talk is the way to go. There’s always the risk of stirring up more what-ifs, not to mention hormones, from seeing someone in person, making it that much harder to move on. Plus, since this guy is so attached to the memory of his late wife, he’ll probably take any well-intentioned input as a perceived insult. Since he’s so nostalgic, why not write a letter? Just getting your feelings on paper might be cathartic enough; you may not even need to mail it.

Also consider that he could actually be addicted to grief. A UCLA study showed that a significant minority of people have difficulty adapting to the loss of a loved one, perhaps because their brains are wired to activate their reward centers upon a reminder of the loss. Hmm.

At any rate, your next course of action is exactly what you wrote: Walk away and be glad you didn’t get more involved. Yes, respecting, and remembering, the dead is a good thing, but not when it comes only at the cost of the living.

Q: As I approach my mid-thirties I'm used to buying unimaginative wedding registry gifts and disposable baby shower crap. I understand that people get married and have kids, and that’s great. But can someone explain to me why? Why on earth would I want to give up my vacations of European trysts and motorsport destinations for marriage and children? I understand maybe rescuing a cat or a dog from the pound -- they’re housebroken and cute. But a baby? They cry, crap their pants and vomit on themselves. You can’t even hold a conversation with them. Marriage? I’ll take my brief relationships and one-night stands over a post-partum vagina all day long. And don’t tell me to grow up. I’m an educated guy with cultivated tastes in art, wine, cuisine, politics and world events. I just can’t understand why in the hell every single guy I know falls into the trap of marriage and children and then bitches about it privately every chance we get together. Is there something I don’t know? – Happily Unwed

A: A few things, perhaps.

1) I can’t speak for your friends, but there are plenty of people out there who actually like being married. I’m just a few months into it, but so far it’s pretty awesome.

2) Most of those crying, crapping, vomiting babies – you were one – eventually grow into cool little people, then adults, whom you can have conversations, not to mention an incredible life experience, with. I know it can get tiresome for non-parents hearing parents spew all that bile about kids giving you a whole new perspective and how it’s different when they’re your own and how they’re at once your greatest joy and biggest pain in the ass, blah blah blah. But they’re speaking from experience – i.e., something else you don’t know.

3) At least a post-partum vagina is still functional, as opposed to an aging, pre-Viagra penis.

4) Sometimes the people who are the most content are the least vocal.

Open Minds (and Mouths)

What your boyfriend’s really saying by ranking pleasure partners, and why getting to the bottom of a break-up isn’t the point.

Q: My b-fri (boyfriend) told me fat girls, then black girls, then white girls give the best [oral sex]. Is that true? If it is, can I ever expect to be good at it? (I'm a white skinny girl). –- Curious and Eager

Ladies: The idea is to look sexy, not psychotic.

A: What I’m really – ahem – blown away about here isn’t the sexual stereotypes; it’s the fact that you clearly didn’t even register such a blatant, if backhanded, insult from your b-fri (never heard that acronym before, but whatever – thanks for enlightening me.).

But hey, lest I be accused of not answering the question, and since I don’t have the necessary appendage to comment on the accuracy of his rankings, I turned to several trusty male friends for input. Here’s what one had to say: “While perhaps isolated occurrences can make this statement true, I don’t think it warrants a generalization. I’ve experienced all three and didn’t notice any particular pattern. Without over thinking this, the common traits in the best [oral sex] seem to be (not in order): 1) Eagerness to please, 2) Level of comfort ability with self and partner, 3) Enjoyment of the power entitled with [oral sex], and 4) Practice, practice, practice.”

Now, back to me. You certainly have No. 1 covered. No. 2 and 3, not so much – at least, that’s what your douchebag boyfriend wants you to think. Which brings me to No. 4 – why not practice, practice, practice on somebody who will really appreciate it? Unless your technique resembles a redneck chomping on a cob of corn, seems to me that the problem here isn’t you – it’s your guy and his passive-aggressive sense of entitlement.

As another trusty male friend so aptly described it, the act in question is a “gift.” And the fact that he put non-fat white girls – that’s you – at the bottom of his list is not looking a gift horse in the mouth; it’s a clobbering a gift horse upside the head with a sledgehammer. He may as well have said, “Yeah, you’re all right, but I’ve been with girls who could suck a golf ball through a straw. I guess you’ll do for now, though.”

To be fair, it’s not clear how all this was brought up. It could be that you, in all your curiousness and eager-to-please-ness, asked specifically where different types of women fall on the oral spectrum, and he was just answering honestly. But I kinda doubt it. And even if that was the case, he should have delivered his message a lot more gently: “Babe, I’m so lucky that you do it. And next time, I’ll make sure I show you exactly what I like.”

So, here’s what I think you should do (not that you asked): Take your white, skinny self – mouth included – as far from this guy as possible.

Q: I'm in love with the guy I was dating two weeks ago. But he broke up with me 'cause he says he doesn't want to go through the pain of long-distance relationships. I think he's just going through so many things in his life right now. (Example – not knowing what will happen in his job.) The lack of stability is probably affecting his feelings for me. Do you think he might still love me? -- Struggling

A: Maybe. Maybe not. But what I think isn’t the issue here, and whether he still loves you isn’t either. The issue is that he broke up with you. As in, he wasn’t willing to do what was necessary – a long-distance relationship – to be with you. As in, he doesn’t want to be with you.

Look, I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I know how tempting it is to explain away his wanting out. But you have to take him on his word. And remember that no amount of calling, texting, begging or sex on your part is likely to change his mind. I repeat: Do not, under any circumstances, call, text, beg for him to take you back or have sex with him, ok? Let him go through whatever he’s going through on his own. If there is a chance that you two end up together – not that I’m advocating you hang your hopes on that – he needs to have time to get his crap together by himself. And miss you.

I understand that your pain is pretty raw at this point. So I’m going to repeat what I’m sure all your friends have already told you: It will get better. (Want to speed up the process? Then refrain from – you guessed it – calling, texting, begging him to take you back or having sex with him.) And when you’re feeling a little less blue, you’ll look back and know that you got through this with your dignity in tact.

Bad Moods and Big Boobs

Coping with a guy who can’t, and what to do when life gives you lemons and your best friend gets implants.

Q: My boyfriend is frequently moody. I know he loves me but sometimes his aloofness makes me insecure. What is the best way to approach him about it or deal with it? – Melancholy Over His Moodiness

A: The next time his mood starts to swing like a pendulum, why not just ask if he needs to borrow a tampon?

Sorry for the sarcasm, but it doesn’t sound like very much fun to be with someone who’s frequently moody and aloof. There’s not a lot of detail in your letter to help me come up with a terribly insightful answer beyond that. Sure, you can approach him about the situation, though my Magic 8 Ball tells me the conversation just might go something like this:

You: Honey, I’ve noticed that lately you seem to be upset quite often. Can we talk about it?

Him [giving you a blank stare]: I’m fine.

You: Well … um … ok. Are you sure?

Him [resuming channel surfing/detailing his motorcycle/strumming his guitar/take your pick of any other stereotypical moody-guy activities]: Yes. Anything else?

You [trying to contain yet another a frustrated sigh]: I guess not …

As far as dealing with his attitude, all I can recommend is the strategy that, come to think of it, many men have adopted as routine: Accept that, for 5-7 days every month, your partner will be about as fun to be around as a heroin junkie in detox. Your best bet might well be to just stay the hell out of his way when Mr. Hyde starts to creep out. (And ladies, let’s use this as a gentle reminder to not abuse our monthly visitor pass for too much Mother-Nature-entitled bitchiness, ummkay?)

But, another shake of my Magic 8 Ball suggests that, before long, you’ll get fed up with this whole walking-on-eggshells routine. You didn’t mention the third option here, which is – though I’m guessing you aren’t quite ready to admit it just yet – to cut him loose. Aloofness and moodiness, like extroversion or trustworthiness, are pretty set character traits; i.e., they’re not likely to change. Which means that you either accept and deal with them, or accept that you can’t deal with them, and move on.

Q: One of my best friends, who I’ve known since we were 14, recently got breast implants. I have to admit that she looks amazing, and it is wonderful to see her confidence improve. The problem is that now her new “girls” are constantly on display when we go out, and she acts like someone I don’t even know. Can implants change friendships, too? – Breast Friend

A: Of course, but perhaps in ways you haven’t even thought of. Instead of tsk-tsking her for busting out of her low-cut tops, focus on the fact that you could, ahem, milk some benefits of your own from the new “girls” in the group.

With her newfound confidence thanks to her newly enhanced funbags, your friend is surely attracting some new attention from guys. So – especially if you’re single — instead of bemoaning the fact that she’s drawing that attention, why not capitalize on it? The admiring dudes will likely migrate over in packs, as bargoing guys are wont to do. News flash: Not all of them salivate over saline, so don’t write off the wingmen just because their friend is drooling over your friend’s plastic bombs.

If you’re already spoken for, then just grab a drink, sit back and watch the action with the knowledge that your friend’s tit-tastic ‘tude will probably fade as the novelty of her new knockers wears off. If not, and she continues to act like someone you “don’t even know” – I’m guessing you mean a total boob – then start hitting bars with friends whose company feels a little more natural.

The Feast and the Famine

Premature Emotionation — a dangerous dating disorder.

Q: Personally, I am getting frustrated with the whole dating, search thing. Don’t know what to do, and need some advice. I am 53, divorced 3 years+ but don’t want an old grandma girlfriend, rather, prefer women a bit younger, say in mid 30’s to lower 40’s as long as they are mature, like to have fun but can appreciate a good man and what he tries to do for her and the relationship. My only “serious” relationship after my divorce went south and she broke my heart after falling hard for her. She just didn’t turn out to be as serious or committed to the relationship as I was or wanted her to be. I gave it a really good try, helped her out of messes several times but even though we are still “friends,” can’t see trying again. Any ideas? – Stumped

A: Of course, but you might not like them. Because it’s late and I’m exhausted, I apologize in advance if this comes across as extra-snippy, but you need a bit of a reality check here before you can expect things to change.

First of all, it’s terrific you’re looking for something that will last. But you’re looking in the wrong places. Shallow as this may sound, women in their mid-30s generally aren’t interested in committing to a 53-year-old man unless he looks like George Clooney or has the bank account to match. They don’t want an old grandpa boyfriend – sound familiar? I’m not advising you to hit the bingo parlors or anything, but stop limiting your dates to such a younger set and I bet you’ll see your luck start to change immediately.

I’d also suggest lightening up a bit. I get that you want to be valued for the good guy that you are (and I’m sure you are). But all the pollen in the air doesn’t quite overpower the slight whiff of desperation in your letter, what with all the talk of being “committed to the relationship” and “falling hard” and playing the role of rescuer over and over. Yes, for many women, the Holy Grail is finding a guy who actually wants to commit – but falling all over yourself trying to show us how eager you are to be that guy is the surest way to send us packing.

Q: I always enjoy reading your words to those of us out there in the dating pool, and now it’s my turn with a question. In the past week I had two amazing first dates with two extraordinary women. Both are intelligent, very well-educated and we had a really good time.

We connected online and in person. I’m going on second dates with them (separately of course) and the one thing I’m concerned is not leading them on when fully dating the other one. I also don’t want to hurt them. What would be your suggestion on how to handle this? By the way, I’m not looking for a one-night stand, it’s for a long-term relationship. – Help?

A: I got to your letter as quickly as I could, and I hope what I’m dishing out here is still applicable – i.e., you haven’t scared either of these two ladies off. These critical early days are all about nurturing the spark – not blowing so hard on it that it snuffs out.

You, my friend, sound like a prime candidate for Premature Emotionation, an affliction many men unknowingly suffer from. While a guy spouting off too early below the belt is indeed troubling, just as potentially damaging is spouting off too early from the mouth. As in, telling a woman in your first or second date that you’re looking for a long-term relationship. Which I sincerely hope you haven’t done yet.

As I told the letter-writer above (do you guys know each other, by the way?), I think it’s great that you’re looking for something substantial. But you’ve got to ease up on the reins a bit and see where things go organically. When it comes to exclusivity, here are the unwritten rules: Until it’s talked about, it shouldn’t be assumed, and it should never be talked about too early. It’s just as feasible that these gals are enjoying the feast – i.e., dating multiple people – just like you are. So don’t assume you’re the sole dish on their menu, either.

On that note: If, by “fully dating,” you mean “sleeping with,” then ideally you will have narrowed it down before then.

So, just to make sure you don’t come down with Premature Emotionation, I’m making some strict prescriptions here. First of all, keep dating both these girls; a front runner is likely to emerge soon enough. Second, when you do narrow it down, enjoy that buzzy initial phase without worrying too much where it’s all going. If it’s going somewhere good, soon enough that mystery will be replaced by familiarity – and then you’ll be writing to me about how to get the spark back.

Another Dimension in Dating

Better ways to get your groove back in your ’30s, and triumphs in post-breakup ex-sightings.

Q: I’m back on the singles dating scene, and it’s been a nightmare! At 35, I’ve been out to bars and clubs, and I can’t help but feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I’m surrounded by 20-something women who look fantastic in mini-skirts, and after a cocktail or two, seem to think they’re auditioning for an MTV video. First of all, I’m not comfortable showing half my ass to a bar full of strangers anymore, but on the other hand, all male eyes are locked on Miss MTV. Do I really have to compete with this to find a mate? – Not a Bar Babe

A: Dunno. Are you looking for a mate along the lines of The Situation? Then, yeah, you’re up against legions of entire-ass-and-then-some-baring, pole-dancing, girl-on-girl-grinding chippies and their ilk. But if you’re shooting higher than that – and, lord, I hope you are – then perhaps it’s time to start hanging out elsewhere.

First of all, though, give yourself a pat on the back for your efforts at reentry into the dating scene. It can be tough as hell to get back out there, very Twilight-Zone-ish indeed, and just the fact that you’re doing it shows you’ve got moxie. Well done.

Onto some takeaway: Focus not on the where, but the what, when you’re trying to meet new people. In other words, veer away from spots where hooking up is clearly the objective, and venture toward groups and/or gatherings that are more about your interests – you know, the things you did before you got into a relationship. For example, if you love wine, then start scoping out tastings around town. If you’re an active type, then look into a running or hiking group.

Also consider online dating. The stigma that surrounded it just a few years ago has all but faded, and at the very least it’s a great way to ease back into the dating scene and build some confidence.

Finally, if you do end up getting dragged to the occasional club, just grab a drink, sit back and enjoy the action. Sure, you might have mini-skirt envy for the 20-something set, but take heart knowing you won’t wake up the next day covered in bronzer stains in a stranger’s bed.

Q: I was out the other evening with a group of great girlfriends. We met for dinner then went to a wine-bar down the street. It was a great, fun-filled, relaxing evening until my ex-boyfriend, “Aaron,” walked in — with his new girlfriend. I completely froze when I saw him (and nearly choked on my wine), hoping he wouldn’t see me there. But of course, like some law of the universe, he looked right over and our eyes met. To my utter disbelief, he turned away like he didn’t even know me! Are there rules for ex-etiquette? – Still Sad

A: Yes, but they’re so dependent on context and situation that I’d need an entire column to go into them. More importantly for you: You should be doing a little happy dance that YOU WON, hands down, the First Post-Breakup Ex-Sighting Contest.

Why? Several reasons: 1) If there’s any “law of the universe” to consider, it’s that an overwhelming majority of the time, you’ll run into your ex for the first time at the drugstore, while he’s looking dapper and buying an economy box of condoms and you’re wearing sweats and no makeup, with a basket full of Ben & Jerry’s and gossip mags. Instead, Aaron saw you out and about, carrying on with your fabulous life with a passel of great girlfriends, AND all gussied up for a night on the town, to boot. Tiger Woods in a Buford Highway massage parlor couldn’t get any luckier than that, sister.

2) You might be understandably “still sad,” but take heart in knowing that Aaron is still shaken up, too. Otherwise, he would have been able to muster at least a cursory “hi” instead of silently shuffling off with his new piece.

3) You can be damn sure that said new piece noticed his awkwardness at running into you, asked him about it and is still analyzing what it all means. (And it’s ok to laugh demonically over this one.)

4) You didn’t choke on your wine. Now, go pour yourself another glass and toast to the universe for sending you such a glorious crutch to help you move on. Seriously. You couldn’t have orchestrated it any better if you tried.

Coming Clean

Decoding online dating profiles, and imbalances in long-term partner potential.

Q: I’m 35 and single, after breaking up with my girlfriend about a year ago. It seems impossible to meet someone in a bar, so I gave in and gave this online dating a shot. Unfortunately, online dating, while promising in pictures, turns up some women who look absolutely nothing like as advertised. They say “25, fit, well-educated.” What shows up? A 40-year-old woman who hasn’t seen a gym since high school, since that was the last stop on the education train. I need to know, from a woman’s perspective, what kind of strategy is this? Women are always a mystery to men, but this really takes the cake. — Hating Online Dating

A: The strategy, my friend, is none other than a new twist on the old bait and switch, and men are just as adept using it in the online dating arena as women. In fact, according to Scientific American, a whopping 90 percent of people lie in their profiles. Women in their 20s and 30s shave off anywhere from five to 20 lbs. from their weight, while men tend to fib about income, education level and relationship status. A survey from MSNBC.com says that one in four men who say they’re “single and available” are actually married (sound familiar, all you tatted trollops messing around with Jesse “Vanilla Gorilla” James?).

But is this not-so-little web of lies really that much of a surprise? I mean, profile embellishment is the technological equivalent of the front we put on during first dates and the genesis of relationships. Look at it this way: When the woman who bills herself as “curvy and clever” waddles into the bar or coffee shop (you’re not meeting online dates for the first time over dinner, right? RIGHT?) and starts in about the “glory years” of high school, you’ll know you’re 45 minutes away from having her and her stretching of the truth (and the elastic waistband) out of your life forever.

Here, a few of the more common profile comments to be aware of.

1. “I love long walks on the beach/a good glass of wine.” Translation: “I’m trying to sound deep and worldly, but the height of my sophistication came during college Spring Break when I learned how to say ‘Diez cervezas, por favor’ in Cancun.”

2. “I hate playing games.” Translation: “My relationship M.O. = Lifetime Doormat. I try to come off as genuine and passionate about finding something ‘real,’ but I’m so friggin’ desperate to be in a relationship that I get stricken with diarrhea of the mouth telling my life story, starting when I was traumatized as a toddler by my mom’s repeated tried to jump-start my acting career by having me audition for diaper commercials,.”

3. “I don’t like the word ‘cougar.’” Translation: “I am a cougar.”

4. “As the founder and CEO of a successful Internet startup, I savor the finer things in life.” Translation: “I’m a peon in a pyramid marketing gig, I work out of my mom’s basement and I spend my ample free time playing World of Warcraft and chugging Yoo-Hoo, and my annual vacation is the Dungeons & Dragons convention.”

5. “I’m 29.” Translation: “I’ve been on these sites long enough to know that lowering your age to under 30 will make you pop up in more searches. I’m anywhere between 35 and 55.”

This isn’t to say that you can’t meet your match on sites like Match.com and their ilk. It just takes a more critical eye; as in, if there are more Glamour Shots on a profile instead of candid photos, a few with friends, you’re better off clicking elsewhere.

Q: “Anna,” my girlfriend, is amazing in a million different ways. She’s hot, funny, gets along with my friends, and she likes sex. She’s been dropping the marriage hint like crazy the last several months, and to be honest, it’s not that I don’t love being with her, it’s just that I’m not interested in getting married. How do I hang on to my woman without having to walk down the aisle? – Hitched Jitters

A: If you honestly “love being with” Anna but honestly don’t want to get married, then here’s what I propose you must do: Sit her down and repeat everything you wrote here, sans that ever-so-grating last line about having your decidedly non-wedding cake and eating it, too. Then Anna can decide if she’s ok with a marriage-free future with you, or whether she wants to take her amazing-in-a-million-different-ways, hot, funny, easygoing, sex-loving self back on the market, where I’m guessing she’ll find somebody who will consider it a privilege to make that commitment to her faster than you can say “cold feet.”

It won’t be an easy conversation, I get that, but you have to do it. If not, rest assured that the deceit you’ll be perpetuating – passive or not — will be far, far worse than, say, using the term “slightly receding hairline” when you really mean “my hair plugs send small children screaming in horror” on an online profile.

Meatballs and Basketballs

A vegen contemplating dating a carnivore, and a gal whose guy gets a little too mad over March Madness.

Q: I’m a 24-year-old vegan woman. I’m pretty strict about it, which means no meat whatsoever, no animal products, although I very occasionally will have some fish. I choose this lifestyle mostly because of health reasons but also because of the worsening state of the livestock industry (don’t EVEN get me started on this). I don’t wear leather or fur but I’m more lax about that. The problem is that I’m recently dating a guy, casually. I like him a lot BUT (can you see where this is headed?) he … eats … meat. My last boyfriend was a vegetarian and I was too, but since then I’ve decided to go vegan because it’s a better diet for me personally. It’s been more than two years since I’ve been serious with someone.

I don’t want to rule this guy out already, but I know this is a major difference. We’ve not been out for a meal yet, just drinks and coffee dates and walks and stuff. From what I’ve seen I want to get to know more, though. Can this work or should I just end it now before we get attached and realize it can’t work? – Veggie-Gal

A: Since I cherish a big honkin’ T-bone as much as your new dude probably does, here’s what my adorable friend J., who’s going on her sixth year as a plant chomper, with nary an issue dating carnivores, has to say: “It’s like being a Democrat in a Republican state — you have to get past it. It’s like you would miss out on a lot of friends, and things in life. It’s just closing yourself off to people who only believe what you believe.”

Although she’s not vegan, J. makes another good point: Would you want somebody to write you off just because you are? “Some people have really good reasons for eating meat. Maybe they were brought up that way, or they think that’s how humans are naturally supposed to be,” she adds.

So why not see how you react to this meat-eater in his natural habitat; i.e., over a meal? Assuming you avoid a place like Fogo de Chao (although I hear their salad bar rocks), a dinner date should be a good litmus test for whether you can stomach a romantic relationship with a non-vegetarian (vice-versa for him). And remember that this is a prime issue that can underscore two of the three C’s crucial in a solid relationship (compromise, communication and copulation).

But if the mere thought of kissing someone whose teeth frequently sink into juicy burgers makes you gag, I’d say just go ahead and bag it now and take your tofu over to www.veggiedate.org. This dating website caters to vegetarians, vegans and raw food freaks, er, followers, and maybe there it will be easier to find someone who loves roughage as much as they love you.

Q: This time every year, my boyfriend and just about every male person he’s ever met turn into complete zombies over anything that isn’t related to March Madness. I don’t understand it. He gets every game on television and sometimes misses work to watch games. I’m gung-ho for having passions in life, but I don’t remember being so obsessed by anything that I couldn’t function without it. He pretty much ignores me for the month, but the rest of the time I’d classify our relationship as fairly strong. I do love him, but just not so much in March. Any advice for a girl who can’t stand college basketball or what it does to her man? – I Loathe Layups

A: Your letter reminds me of a dear group of friends I met in Texas and a tradition we started. Every March, a couple I was close with, both huge Kansas fans, would take time off work for the tourney. Everybody gathered in their living room, aka “Bracketville,” with games on multiple TVs 24/7, and brackets, bets and beer flowing nonstop for weeks.

It was glorious. But then, I dig March Madness. Still, not so much that I ignore my significant other for a month (hey, a gal’s gotta get some, right?), so I can see how somebody who doesn’t even like college hoops would feel pretty miffed.

Even so, I think you’ve got some slam-dunk (couldn’t resist) options here: 1) Plan a long vacation with girlfriends or to see family in March. 2) Pick your own month to be obsessed with something (“Spa September” has a nice ring to it) and let your bf see how it feels to be on the receiving end. 3) Pop yourself a beer, sidle up to him and enjoy the view. (Those blasted BYU boys knocked off my Gators in the first round, but holy cow, they looked delicious doing it – too bad they’re already out.) Your guy just might appreciate your interest, whether it’s legit or not – and who knows where that could lead (a sexy romp on the couch, perhaps?).

And take heart that it could be worse. At least he’s not obsessed with something like War of Warcraft. Or skanky chicks covered with tattoos (you suck, Jesse James).